Five on Friday,

one.

I am absolutely 100% craving Spring! Once we get one snowstorm I'm done. It's also been a fairly warm winter for New England. Like temps in the 40's and 50's most days. So that just has me craving short sleeves. Seriously, I'm ready to pack away the winter jackets and sweaters. It is such a hassle bundling little kids up to go outside. Parent's do you hear me?!? Unfortunately...we've got some time and Mother Nature is never that easy on us so I'm sure we've got some more big storms in our future. 

To get me through these winter days I'm starting to look for the kids Easter outfits. Last year Tenley was born only 5 days before Easter so we spent the holiday at home and didn't dress the kiddos up. I'm looking forward to getting them some bright pretty outfits! C'mon April!!! 

Maybe I'll put together a post on how I choose the kids outfits for holidays. I do get quite a few people asking me where I got certain clothes from time to time. There's not an exact science to it but I can give some inexpensive places to shop, where our favorite places to shop are and explain how I coordinate and choose what for what kid.

two.

I wanted to thank you all for being so so sweet to me when I wrote my no more babies post. I got so many comments, emails, private messages and texts. I can't put into words how much I appreciated each and every one. It wasn't any easy one to write and it was something that I kind of felt silly throwing out there. I felt really alone in that feeling but you all showed me I am not alone. AT ALL. It seems a lot of people feel the same way I do. 

As crazy as it sounds I really do wish I could live ^ that moment over and over and over and over and over again. 

three. 

Tenley is now 10 months old and still isn't full on crawling. I swear the more babies I have the more lazy they get. She holds herself up by her arms (like a scorpion position) and spins herself around on her belly to get where she wants to go. At times she will get up on her knees and almost catapult herself forward but won't actually crawl. I really hope she's not a late walker like Kensington was. Kensie didn't walk until she was almost 18 months old. Where as Kamryn and Logan both walked at 12 months old. I'm crossing my fingers she's like the older two. I only say that because I'd really like it if Tenley was a nice steady walker by the summer time. We'll be outside a lot and we've got a new swingset coming this spring so I just feel like her walking will make things just a little bit easier. But, on the other hand it might be easier if she's not walking. HA! She'll do it when she's ready.....I know that. So we'll see what happens!

four. 

I posted on my instagram and facebook the other day about how I started a new tradition for myself. Every night when I lay in bed before I go to sleep I make it a point to think of 3 things I am grateful for that happened that day. This has totally changed how I look at each and everyday and helped my stress level AND helped me sleep better at night. I found myself laying in bed each night, tossing and turning and thinking about all the things that went wrong. All the things I have no control over that are "bad" in my life. Now, I make sure to think of the good things and it really helps A LOT. 

I encourage you to do the same thing. Gratitude really is a beautiful thing and no matter what theres always. always. something to be thankful for.

five.

Well, Mike and I are off for a date night tonight and its been along time since we've gotten out so we're excited. So I'll leave today's post on that happy note.

I hope you all have a fabulous weekend!

xoxo, Kristen

Life Lately.....

There's been a lot of pajama days --- brrrr! It's been much too cold to go outside!

We had a fairly big snowstorm. So there's been lots of playing in the snow for the two big kids! Well, until it all melted because we had a day that it was 55 degrees.

(Disclaimer: Kensington isn't a fan of the snow. She has zero interest in it. So, she prefers to stay inside. And that makes her totally her mama's girl.)

And a certain little one is loving eating REAL food. On this night we had chicken, broccoli, alfredo and someone wanted to make sure she got every last drop.

Look at that hair! <3 <3

Can you believe our Tenley is so close to being ONE? I've already started to plan her first birthday party....how did that happen so fast?!?!

Well, that's life lately. I've barely taken any pictures which is proof I'm taking my New Years Resolution seriously. :) Being present is still a top priority for me. The phone goes away and I just spend good quality time with my family! The only downside for me would be the lack of pictures. Guess I'll have to take out my big girl camera or something.

Have a great day!!! xoxo, Kristen

No more babies?

Recently I've done some major purging in our closets. Mike and I are terrible at getting rid of clothes we don't wear anymore and for years I've been holding on to baby clothes because we weren't done having babies. It was way over due. It was time. But why am I so sad? 

I'll tell you....

A couple weeks ago I found myself in the girls room. It was time to pack away all of Tenley's clothes 6 months and smaller. I've done this three times before but this time it was time to pack those bags and send them away. Until now, those clothes found there way to Rubbermaid bins. Put away until they would be used for a new little one. On this particular day, I found myself in a sea of clothes. Checking each tag, all smiles while I admired how cute and small the outfits were. Each outfit bringing back memories from all three of my girls. At times I honestly got giddy when I thought about the possibility of someone who needs these lightly used clothes more than me using them for their new baby. I picked up a teeny tiny light pink onesie that said "best little sister" and it just hit me, this was it and I lost it. Full blown ugly cry. I wasn't expecting it. Sure...I know I'm the girl who will always want another baby. I just love babies. I knew this was making me sad. But I also know that we are done. So done. I mean, we're done, right? Like really really done? Like we're never ever going to have that talk about just one more baby? That kind of done?

Well...you see, that kind of done breaks my heart. These past eight years have been the best eight years of my life. Being pregnant, going to doctors appointments, listening to those heartbeats, seeing those perfect profiles on ultrasound. It's what I've lived for the past eight years. Months and months of looking forward to the day I'd meet my precious newborn. Watching my belly grow and feeling those kicks. The aches and pains, the stretching and pulling. Then seeing them for the first time and feeling that feeling that cannot be put into words. Watching my husband fall in love with each and every one of our babies right before my eyes. All of it. Yes, even naming them.

It's been incredible. I'm so thankful that I not only got the experience to do this all but four times. I am so blessed. So so blessed. I'll never EVER take that for granted. I know many women who can't have babies. Many who had to go see fertility doctors and many who can't get a straight answer as to why. My heart breaks for those women. I pray for them that someday they will too be able to hold their precious babies, no matter how they come to them.

But recently I find myself in a weird spot. The finality of completing my family has left me with a feeling I've never had before. On one hand I am extremely grateful for everything I have and on the other I'm filled with sorrow I won't do it again. I'm looking forward to watching my babies grow, watching them mature and become who they are meant to be. A lot of people tell me it just keeps getting better and I know deep down they are right. It will only get better. I see that in all of my kids every single day.

Truthfully, I had a master plan. I thought I was going to power through having children. In my mind I'd have three. All within five years and be done. I'd get my pregnancies out of the way in my twenties and that was it. I was convinced I'd be okay with it, I'd be content. I mean why not? That was the plan all along. Then we got our bonus baby. She wasn't part of the plan but what an amazing gift. Throughout my pregnancy with her I was scared of what four kids would look like and how I would handle my two youngest only 16 months apart but felt so lucky. Tenley was sure to be the icing on the cake. Gods ultimate gift to our family. I knew without a shadow of a doubt I would for sure feel complete after she got here. Yet here I am...

I'm sad. I'm heartbroken even. I don't know what these feelings mean. Maybe its because I'm now in my thirties and as they say, the biological clock is ticking. I find myself wondering if I'll wake up one day and these feelings will go away. That maybe I'll find peace and never think of it again. The good news for me is Mike tells me all the time that we don't have to make that decision right now. (Don't ask him about this, he'll deny it to the grave) We are only 30 and 31 and who knows? Someday we may decide to have another one. Many many many years from now...because right now we cannot afford another baby. We can't even fathom giving our attention to one more child at this point. But we very well may decide another baby isn't in the cards for us either. Chances are we are done. Maybe that's why I feel so sad because as much as I have that feeling, I know its not a possibility anytime in the near future. Add to that the fact that a lot of people think we are insane and have no problem telling us to stop. But then, of course, there are those who tells us how amazing it is that we have a big family and how happy they are for us. It's like everything is hazy because I can't get a clear picture of what I really want. Nor could I decide today if I wanted to. 

I posted a facebook status about this the other day and a lot of people commented that they knew exactly how I was feeling. I'm sure those of you who didn't comment think I'm certifiable. ;-) A really good friend of mine (who I met through the blogging world) texted me. She has one daughter. Her and her husband are 100% content with being one and done. Oh, how I wish I had her certainty. She told me to not feel guilty for having these feelings while I had four kids already. She said: "You're thankful for the food in your fridge. Doesn't mean you won't want to get more." Sounds silly but I loved that analogy and it made me feel a little better for potentially seeming selfish in my sadness for not having another baby. I just really thought having a fourth would make these feelings go away and here they sit. I know someday we need to move on. Someday I have to let this go but today, I just can't.

Chances are these feelings are here to stay. Chances are I'm always going to be sad about it. Chances are the Sasses are complete. And chances are majority of people will never understand how I'm feeling. But that's okay. This is me, this is how I'm feeling today and this is my place to write it all down.



Have you ever felt this way? Will this feeling pass? What does this mean? 
Leave me a comment and let me know I'm not alone! 

Five on Friday

Heyyyyy it's friiiidayyyy!!!

Okay, now that we have that out of the way.

one.

Today, we woke up to this...

Yes, it looks pretty but I HATE the snow. I don't even remember really liking it as a kid besides the fact that I looked forward to snow days. I do however, like being snowed in without anywhere to go. This weekend I'm not happy. Kamryn has wanted to have a "friend birthday party" for years. I've done everything in my power to hold it off as long as possible and to just do family parties. This year however, I decided to forgo the family party and do a friend party instead. We invited all the girls from her class, sent out the invitations and I thought okay great, this is going to be easy. We're having it outside the house. Zero work for me besides buy a cake and show up. Welllll.....guys, I got RSVP's from THREE people. THREE! Two of which said yes, one who said no. (my cousin and neighbor also rsvp'd but I'm just talking about the classroom friends) Now, to top off what could potentially be a party with just 3 kids there besides my own, we've been hit with a snowstorm. A snowstorm that is supposed to stop mid day today and then continue tomorrow. 5 inches today, 5-8 inches tomorrow. You do that math. That's a significant amount of snow. I have no idea what to do. I'm just going to show up and hope for the best. Looks like it might be us, a lot of pizza and some serious bowling done by the Sasses!

two.

Everyone has been sick in the Sass house. Most recently it's hit Auntie and Kensington. Kensington has been giving us a hard time sleeping the past few nights. She's definitely a night owl but last night she woke up so upset. It was really heartbreaking to see her so sad and not know why. I think it's because she feels crappy but she really can't verbalize what's wrong. So, after getting up with her a few times the last time I decided to just cuddle with her on the couch and throw on an episode of Parenthood. Oh man, this kid. As she gets older her personality is shining more and more. She just laid there with me for 45 minutes watching the show, looking up at me with a giant smile as if she was saying "I'm so happy its just me and you, Mama." She seriously is THE BEST. After our 45 minute snuggle fest she went to bed and I didn't hear a peep from her until 9 this morning. So far, I want to keep Kensington a 2 year old forever...but I have a feeling its just going to get better and better.

three.

New Years Day I saw probably a half dozen baby announcements on facebook and instagram. There's also A TON of people expecting this year and/or just had a baby. Well, I very much have a baby. Miss Tenley is only 9 months old BUT I'd be lying to you if I said with every announcement and birth I didn't get a twinge of baby fever. I know I know, this topic is brought up with us a lot. I often hear through the grapevine that someone asked someone if we are done having babies. I think people half expect us to just keep going all the while thinking we are lunatics. I don't think we are going to have another baby but let's be real here.... I do think I'll always have baby fever. I really feel like I'm going to be 80 years old and I'll still be telling Mike I want another baby. I'm crazy and I admit it but truth be told, I'll always want a baby. It's just who I am.

four.

I am definitely one to like the whole idea of new years resolutions. Can't say I'm the best at keeping up with them but I try..... This year I decided I'm going to make a conscious effort to spend more time being present and playing with my kids. I play with them everyday but I really really want to do more of that. I see such a difference in them on the days that I don't have 7,000 things on my to do list taking me away from them. So, my new years resolution for this year is to manage my time better and play time, most days, comes first!

five.

Every morning I start my day off reading my daily devotional. Today this is what it said. It spoke to me, as most days this little book does. I wanted to share it with all of you. A line that stuck out to me was "Instead of letting difficulties draw you into worrying, try to view them as setting the scene for My glorious intervention." I've turned into a stressed out person, I need to remember to just sit back and pray. God will do the rest.

Have a great weekend!!! xoxo, Kristen

Best of Friends

Santa brought Tenley some great new toys. Well, if you ask Kensington they were for her, too....LOL! Seriously, she'd rather play with what Santa brought for Tenley than what he brought for her. It's been really fun seeing these two interact and play together more and more.

It's always been my dream to have my babies close together. Exactly like Kensington and Tenley. I always wanted 2 kids under 2 years apart.(Well, I always wanted a big family but definitely wanted at least 2 of them to be super close in age) I really thought that ship had sailed after Kensington was born and truthfully thought we were done having babies and then just 16 months and 11 days later along came Tenley. I didn't plan it and it still happened. Funny how that happens, isn't it? I've learned to never say never.....

Tenley has been working on pulling up to stand. She's my only baby who has taken some scary tumbles trying this and it gives me a heart attack! But, it doesn't slow her down...she keeps trying! #determined

Kensington, the typical older sister, "I'll do it for you Tenley!"

I just love this kiddo. Always so happy and 9 times out of 10 doing whatever she is asked. It's incredible to me how easy going she is. I grab a diaper, she lies down to be changed. We walk out to the car, she waits for me to put her in her seat and doesn't wander off. I say its time for dinner, she comes running. She's seriously an awesome 2 year old. Mike and I say that a lot. After having Logan, who proved to be the hardest toddler ever, we are counting our blessings!  (We love our Logi-Bear though, even when he's difficult...so so much! Being the only boy in the mix, he needs that fire in his veins.)

Tenley James is so chill. Always always saying "mama". Like non-stop! She's my youngest to call my name and I'd be lying if I said I didn't absolutely love it!

It's so much fun watching these two together! :)

Brrrr....

It's definitely cold out there .....

But Tenley is keeping nice and warm!

New Year! New Blog! Same Me!

So, after giving it a few good months I made the change back to blogger. As always, I made a pretty quick decision to switch my blog over to wordpress and quickly realized it just wasn't the right fit for me.

That brings us here ... new year, new blog, same me!

I'm still working out the kinks, trying to get it back to what I want but I'm much happier and more comfortable using blogger than wordpress. Sometimes, change isn't a good thing but lucky for me, you can always switch back.

So, bare with The Sass Sircus while it is under construction. It'll be back to normal soon...


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Happy New Year!