What's next....

Sometimes I get these thoughts in my head and just need to sit down and type it out. Today, is one of those days. 

You see, I'm at a weird place in my life, a place that nobody really talks about. Maybe it's just me who thinks about it THIS much and if so, so be it. It's no secret that Mike and I became parents young. I found out I was pregnant with Kamryn when I was only 22 years old and she was born when I was 23. Looking back now it blows me away, especially when I look at 22 and 23 year olds. Lucky for me, I knew Mike was the guy for me and I knew everything would turn out okay, but holy moly we were babies. 

Today, I'm 31 and I have 4 kids. I'm surrounded by friends and family who are currently starting their families. My two best friends are pregnant with their first and second baby and I couldn't possibly be more happy for them. I know by the time the summer rolls around they will both be dealing with sleepless nights, at times inconsolable infants, millions of questions to google and through tired eyes they will be feeling more love than they ever knew possible. One will have a toddler running around and the other will be finding out for the first time what life really is all about. They both will be doing their best to enjoy every minute but at the same time wishing they could just get some sleep. They will look back at those days and they'll be a blur. As all moms know, when you're in it, it seems to last forever but when it's over you know it went by so fast. Too fast even. 

I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't jealous. I miss those days more than I could ever put into words and if you've ever read my blog you know if I could have anything, I'd go back and do these past 8 years all over again. I told myself over and over again that I was living the best years of my life and I did my best to enjoy every single second. Now, I have a 2nd grader, a kindergartner, a 3 year old and an almost 2 year old. At only 31 years old I'm at a cross roads, a cross roads that most people don't understand. It might be my age, it just might be my personality and it may be because I'm down right insane but someday's I don't know if our family is complete. I don't know what that feeling is that you're supposed to feel when you're done having babies. This could be because I'm only 31 and that clock is still ticking. It could be because people will look me dead in the eye and tell me "You're done, right?" - with authority, as if I'm breaking some sort of law and it bothers me when they do that. It could be because I'm just one of those people who were meant to have a big family. I really don't know?

One thing I do know is I don't have to make that decision today. I know I was meant to be a mom, there's nothing else in the world that has made me feel so complete other than me being a mom. Even at 23 years old I knew I was doing what I was meant to do. I know I've always been drawn to large families and since probably middle school I knew I wanted a big family. I know having a sister 13 years younger than me was a lot of fun, and still is. I know Mike and I are a team and together we'll make the right decision. 

Who knows? I wish I did. Thankfully I have a long time to figure it out. It might be tomorrow, it might be 4 years from now and it might never happen.....so stay tuned. As for today I'll be counting down the days until all of those in my life have those babies and I can snuggle them and then give them back. Because, I'm not naive enough to not realize that's a great thing as well! HA!

When I had my babies young I never thought about how I would feel when everyone my age was just starting out. I'm here today and it's a weird place to be. I wish I could feel at peace and not think about it so much, but that's just not who I am. Not only am I jealous of those just starting out, but I'm also jealous of those who know without a shadow of a doubt that they are done. It's true we all have our own journey's and it's all in Gods timing. I keep holding on to that. He knows better than me.

One thing I'm sure of is God has blessed my times four and I will NEVER EVER take that for granted. These pictures are great reminders of all the incredible memories and just how wonderful my life is and always has been. I don't know what I did to deserve all this but I am so incredibly thankful. I had no idea in the beginning just how beautiful motherhood could be.

It's a good life, a great life even, I'll continue to count my blessings everyday.

I can't wait to see what comes next....