Pa, and some big changes

 When my Grammy passed away, I did a post and talked about her and our relationship. Just a few weeks ago we had another huge loss in our family. One that shook me like no death has ever shaken me before.

If you follow me on Facebook and Instagram, then you saw the very sad news that my Pa passed away. It's really hard for me to put into words what Pa meant to me. Pa had 6 kids, 13 grandchildren and a whole lot of great grandchildren. It always amazed me how he had this way of making everyone feel special. Even at the hospital on his last few days as we surrounded his bedside, I listened to my cousins claim they were Pa's favorite, because truly he made us all feel that way. It was a gift, one only he possessed. He truly loved us all exactly the same no matter what. I'm a people watcher by nature so every holiday while catching up with family I'd also observe. Pa would take his time to make sure he talked with each and every one of us one on one. Whether he'd strike up the conversation with the news of the latest celebrity he met at the airport while working for TSA or be waiting to tell us some riddle or joke, he quite literally had in his back pocket. Pa was always excited to be with his family. My grandparents spent their entire lives together. Pa lived to be 88 and met my grandmother 77 years before that at only 11 years old. He was a man who knew what he wanted and even at 11 in South Boston, he would come to her porch and hold her hand walking to the store. My Grammy never shied away from telling me marriage is hard work, but they did the work and they made it through. They had a beautiful marriage that lasted 64 years before Jesus called Grammy home almost 3 years ago. I find solace in the fact that I know they are together again in heaven looking down on us all. I'm so proud to be their granddaughter and I hope I make them proud.

Losing my grandparents has affected me in a much different way than I anticipated. I was talking with my brother and we both agreed how it's interesting when you lose someone. Sometimes the people you expect to reach out, never do. Then others you never expected to hear from, take time out of their day to simply say they're sorry. This really made me reflect and realize even just a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" goes a long way. I don't know that there's anyone in my life past or present that I, personally, couldn't even type out those words for. But I digress, losing my grandparents has made me really think about how I want to live my life. Quite frankly I am sick of living on autopilot. I feel like majority of my adult life I have made a lot of decisions based on what others would think of me. Looking back that was all for nothing because no matter what decision I made I was judged over and over again. Funny how that happens, isn't it? Though, since my Pa died, I can't help but reflect on my life and wonder what really is most important to me in this season? To me it's my kids, my heath, and my marriage but a big part of that is not being overcommitted. I know people love to be busy. In today's world the busier you are the more productive you are, dare I say the better you are? (I think some people assume so) Me? I don't really like being busy. The fibers of my everyday life with 5 kids makes me busy in all I do but the idea of being go go go every single day is not something I enjoy. I do it because I need to, but it drains me. I want to be more present with me kids, I want to be on the go less. Life lately has been so incredibly busy. Somedays I look at Mike at the end of the day and I find myself sad I didn't really get to look at my kids the whole day. I mean, I'm with them, talking to them, helping with homework, etc etc. But do I really take the time to look into their souls? To really soak up every second? Or am I too busy, on autopilot just going through the motions running here there and everywhere, checking off all the boxes of what society tells us is a good mom? I don't know if it's possible to slow down, but I'm certainly going to try. This season is fleeting. Kamryn will be 14 in just a month. Mama's hold those babies tight. I know you hear it constantly, but it goes by so incredibly fast. 

I've never been good at saying no. Saying no has upset people in the past and that's always been hard to accept for me. Deep down I knew whenever I said no it was for my own sanity and mental health, but it was still so hard for me to do. Just last week one of my friends texted me, she was supposed to come over, but her daughter was still completely off from Thanksgiving. She told me she wasn't going to be able to make it and they just needed a day at home to recuperate. Was I bummed I wouldn't be seeing her? Of course! But I totally understood. Been there many times, and a lot of times I dragged my kids out only regretting I did so. This was just another reminder of it being okay to say no. The right people understand why sometimes you simply need to say no. 

You're probably wondering what this has to do with losing my Pa. In all honesty, I'm not really sure. All I know is it brought up a lot of feelings I didn't expect. As I sat there listening to his eulogy it made me think that even though my Pa had a very long life, it surely went by fast. I know I don't want to be in my 80's looking back wondering why I was so goddamn busy that I didn't enjoy the simple everyday things that matter the most to me. My husband, my kids, my family and my friends. Do I like nice things? Yes, of course I do. But at the end of the day, I am a very simple person. 

I've been thinking a lot of ways to simplify my life even more. I think I may slow down, like way down on social media for starters. I think majority of our "What have we been up to's" are going to be here on this blog. The people who care, will come here to find out, those who don't, won't. It's wild to think but I have A LOT of friends on Facebook, and followers on Instagram and barely anyone actually "likes" anything I post. It got me thinking, how many people are just "lurking" on my page?  I'm going to try to at least once a month, post on here about the happenings of The Sass crew. We hope you'll come back! What will social media for me look like going forward? I'm not really sure but we will see.

Okay, that was a lot to say.... Pa, I love you and I'll miss you. Thank you and Grammy for being such wondering examples in my life. Please watch over all of us, we certainly need it.