I changed my baby's name 10 years ago. What I'd tell myself today, if I could go back in time.

 

I made the "announcement" we were changing Kensington's name 10 years ago. You can read that post HERE. I've seen reels and blog posts people make right after changing their child's name but never something 10 years later, so I thought I'd write down all my thoughts. From a mom who kind of regrets it. Maybe someone in my shoes will find this blog post someday and it'll help.

I kind of chuckle at how confident I seem while reading that blogpost back all these years later. Seriously, scroll up and click on the link and come back. I'm sure in the moment I was very confident. Truth is, and I've spoken about this before but never in depth, I've second guessed that big decision majority of Kensington's life. She was just less than 3 weeks old when we told everyone, but we had been calling her Kensington for about 2 weeks at that point. It's so funny to read back that blogpost as I said, "After a long well-thought-out process". Kristen, she was 3 weeks old!! LOL! Such a long time. ::insert eye roll here:: We legit had one or two conversations about it and started calling her Kensington. It was NOT this long thing I dragged out and made sure of. Ohhhh Kristen! 

Now that I've been pregnant 3 more times and delt with postpartum 3 more times I can look back at that time with a lot more clarity. Perspective will do that for you. I really truly think I had a touch of postpartum anxiety after Kensington was born and maybe even anxiety while I was pregnant. I remember calling my mom bawling my eyes out so badly a week after she was born and my mom thought something happened to the baby. But no, it was over her name. Mike came home from work that day and I cried to him. I reached out to friends crying over this. Big thing was majority of my friends didn't even have kids yet, so they had no idea what postpartum felt like. And IYKYK, you really have no idea unless you've gone through it what a roller coaster it can be. I had never delt with this before. Even at 23 having Kamryn I had never felt more natural than when we brought Kamryn home. It was like this relaxing beautiful experience that just felt so calm and right. With Logan it was really stressful because he had acid reflux so I couldn't really concentrate on anything else aside from making sure he kept some food down. Now with Kensington this name thing loomed over my head my entire pregnancy. With Kamryn and Logan, Mike and I chose their names and never asked anyone their opinions. It was our choice and our choice only. With Kensington I didn't shut up about her name. I have no idea why I had what I'm going to call "naming anxiety" but I did. I had a touch of it with Archie too but nothing like I had when I was pregnant and postpartum with Kensington.

When I try to put myself into my shoes back then I have to remember life was insane. There was so much going on within my life that everything felt out of control. I'm going to tread lightly here as I don't want to offend anyone but with the things that were going on and the way I was being treated by people who were supposed to care for me, I turned into the shell of the person I once was. (I don't need people reading between the lines here, so I'll just say it. Mike and I have always been solid. If there's one constant in my life, is it my husband. What was going on had nothing to do with Mike and my relationship, if anything it brought Mike and I closer and only made our marriage stronger.) The Kristen who named Kamryn was not the same Kamryn who named Elliot/Kensington. Sometimes I feel like I still haven't fully recovered from the trauma I endured for years and years. No one stopped me and said, "Let's give it some time before you change her name." Maybe they did? I honestly cannot remember. And that's not to say it's anyone's "fault" per say, Mike and I decided this together. Well, Mike would've done anything I asked of him so we can't blame him. It was me. But I wish I took more time and really thought long and hard about not using a name I loved for years and years. Now, as I've said before she is definitely "Kensington", but the truth is no matter what name we chose she would've fit that name. I remember finding a blog post on a random blog back right after she was born when I googled about changing your baby's name and I even reached out to the author of the blog. That woman CONVINCED me to change her name. Maybe it's her I can blame? LOL! I'm going with that.

One thing about the name Elliot was all the spelling options. I asked approximately 645 people which spelling they liked best all throughout my pregnancy. All along knowing which one I liked best. The options were Elliot, Eliot, Ellyot and Elliette. My favorite being Ellyot and no one, and I mean NO ONE else liked it. People were actually very vocal to tell me I "couldn't" use that spelling. As someone who cares a lot about what other people think it made me scratch Ellyot off the list completely. Is it trendy? I guess. But I still love it all these years later and I always thought it went nicely with Kamryn. Kamryn, Logan and Ellyot wouldn't have been that crazy if you ask me. Yes, it is a legitimate spelling, I didn't make it up. I found it in our baby-name book. I wonder if we changed the spelling from Elliot to Ellyot would I have felt better? Maybe. In hindsight, we should've called her El or Ellie for a while and then regrouped. I really truly wish we waited a few months and not just 2 weeks. I honestly might have still felt like Elliot wasn't her name and changed it anyways, but time definitely would've been the better option and at least then I don't think I'd still have this unsure feeling of if I made the right choice. It's so funny because when I was pregnant with Tenley, I was convinced she was Eliot, with one l and one t. I even found another old blog post where I proclaimed it! But I remember when we saw her, it didn't fit. Gosh, what is with me and this name?! Honest to God had Archie been a girl, he probably would've been Elliot or Ellyot. (I would've pushed for Ellyot. And after that awful pregnancy and labor Mike probably would've just agreed to it. LOL!)

Over the years I've had people reach out to me about this topic more times than I can count. They want my opinion on if they should change their baby's name. They ask me my advice and what the process looked like for us. I don't think anyone who's reached out actually went through with it and changed their child's name. Probably because I gave them all the same advice. Sit with the name for 6 months. It's not going to matter if you change it at 6 days, 6 weeks or 6 months. Do your best to not care about what others think but definitely don't make a quick irrational decision, especially freshly postpartum and even more so if you've always loved the name you chose. I also let them in on the little secret that as much as I absolutely L O V E Kensington's name, I kind of wish I didn't change it. 

Now, let's be real this cute little girl could've pulled off any name. Kensington is a beautiful name and its who she is. She is our Kensie. But I'm nothing if I'm not honest and as silly as it sounds changing her was a big part of our story. 10 years later, I'm still hit with that ugh feeling, just a little bit. I think it's hitting me more than ever knowing I'll never have the chance to use the name even if I wanted to. Archie is now 7 months old, and that possibility of anymore Sass babies is a thing of the past. Before now there was always that chance that I might have another baby girl someday and now that chance is gone. When I got pregnant with Smith there was still that chance, he might be a girl and same with when we found out we were expecting Archie and then they were both boys. So that chance to use that girl name Ellyot stayed pretty consistent in my head over the past 10 years. We're done having babies. Which is fine, we know our family is complete, I'm not sad about not having another baby, but I'm sad I'll never use that name. I think that's where all these feelings are popping up over this name change all these years later. What you name you child is an important decision and as someone who loves names probably more than the average person, it's a very big deal to me. I know I've met many people over the years who told me they wished they named their kid _____ fill in the blank or how they don't love their kids name for whatever reason. This isn't some crazy out of the box thing. This is normal, we just don't talk about it a lot. 

I kind of feel like the Lauren Conrad of baby names. All my Hills fans will know what I mean with that reference. Lauren will always be known as the girl who didn't go to Paris. I'll always be known as the girl who changed her baby's name and regretted it. 

Well, that's my story 10 years later. If I could go back in time and sit down with freshly postpartum Kristen, I'd pop open my laptop and have her read this blogpost right here and then let her make the decision...6 months from then. LOL! 

Now to my Kensington, when you read this someday, I want you to know you are so much more than a name. You are smart, brave, sweet, loving, empathetic, loyal, a true animal whisperer and I am certain without a shadow of a doubt you that bring a light to this world that no one else ever has. We need more people in the world like you! You'd be that same incredible person whether your name was Ellyot, Kensington or Elizabeth! We love you so so so much and being your mama is one of the greatest blessings of my life. <3