Two weeks ago I went in for a routine ultrasound excited to find out if we would be having a boy or a girl.
Just after my ultrasound, which lasted a lot longer than I noticed with my other three, my doctor came into the exam room and explained to me they saw something on the baby’s heart. She then quickly said “This can be a sign for Down Syndrome”. My heart sunk. She told me how 4 other patients that day had the same thing and this “sign” is only accurate 1 out of 400 times so chances were my baby was just fine. She scheduled an ultrasound with the high risk doctor the following week. I asked Mike to come to the appointment with me but even on our ride there we kept saying “This is nothing, She’s going to be okay.” In our minds the doctor was going to look her over quickly and then tell us how perfect our baby was. But that’s not what happened. I could tell by the tone of her voice that something was up. She told us there was another sign showing up. Some calcium deposits on her bowel which also is a sign of Down Syndrome or Cystic Fibrosis. We knew it couldn’t be Cystic Fibrosis because I didn’t carry the gene but now we had 2 things pointing us in the direction of Downs. They told me about my options. I could have an amnio (where they stick a giant needle in your belly) or do a blood test that was 99% accurate or I could do nothing at all and just see what happens. I opted for the blood test. We wanted to know. So they did the blood test and told me they wouldn’t have results for a week.
I left the appointment feeling numb. When you find out you are pregnant you see a flash of this baby’s life right before your eyes. You imagine the first day you see them, when they begin to crawl, walk, talk, Kindergarten, teenage years, wedding, etc etc. In my mind my children would be healthy. They would lead normal lives, probably testing my patience every step of the way. You don’t expect a doctor to tell you something could be “wrong” with your baby. There’s absolutely no way to prepare yourself for that. I felt sad and I felt scared. I found myself feeling guilty for all the feelings I was having. People get worse news than “There’s a risk something could be wrong with your baby.” Whether that risk is small or big, it rocks your world. I’ve never ever experienced that feeling.
When I got home my phone rang and it was my doctors office. I half expected to answer the phone and them tell me they made a mistake and my baby was fine. But that’s not what happened. Earlier blood work I had done came back positive. We now had a 1 in 100 chance this baby could have Downs, on top of the two signs they saw on ultrasound. I hung up the phone, looked at Mike and just burst into tears. How could this be happening to us? We are young, we’re both healthy, we take care of ourselves, we have 3 healthy children….why was this one different? Mike didn’t say much but I knew he was freaking out just as badly as I was. When he gets quiet that’s when you know.
I woke up the next day and I couldn’t move. I can handle something being wrong with me. I always pray to God that if something needs to happen to anyone in my family, have it happen to me, I can handle it. Don’t give it to my children. Yet here I was…. The baby girl I’ve been dreaming about may not be the baby I expected. She may have obstacles in this life that I’ll never understand. How are we going to do this? For a week I had that feeling. I went through the motions, took care of my family but deep down I was dying inside. My heart was telling me everything was going to be okay. Whether she had Downs or not, we were going to be okay. She would be absolutely perfect no matter what. But I was still so incredibly scared. I asked for prayers on Facebook just feeling the need to know I wasn’t alone, because that’t exactly what I felt for the past week…alone. I just needed to know people were praying for my baby.
I knew they were going to call me today. I barely slept last night so anxious about what they would say when I got that call. I prepared myself for the worst and hoped for the best. When my phone rang I jumped up and ran to a quiet room. I heard the nurse on the other line and she sounded so serious. Naturally, I panicked. She slowly said “I got your test results back and it all came back fine. We got a negative result.” I let out a huge sigh as my eyes filled up with tears and immediately got chills all over my body. I thanked her over and over again. It was immediate relief. Our baby was just fine.
I had second thoughts about writing this. I didn’t want to offend anyone by being honest but then I thought I’m allowed to feel how ever I want to feel. This is my journey and no one else’s. If our baby was (is) born with Downs we would love her just the same. Terminating the pregnancy was never an option for us. But boy, oh boy, this was sure a wake up call. We’ve had 3 beautiful pregnancies. I’ve given birth to 3 healthy babies with zero complications. I’ve gotten pregnant 4 times now without barely trying (2 of the 4 we didn’t try at all). There are many many people in this world who are not as fortunate as Mike and I are in that regard. We will never EVER take this for granted and this was just another reminder of that.
This baby may have not been planned, by any stretch of the imagination, but she was meant to be here. She’s going to do great things and fill our hearts and home with so much joy. We cannot wait to meet her….just 4.5 months to go!!
