No more babies?

Recently I've done some major purging in our closets. Mike and I are terrible at getting rid of clothes we don't wear anymore and for years I've been holding on to baby clothes because we weren't done having babies. It was way over due. It was time. But why am I so sad? 

I'll tell you....

A couple weeks ago I found myself in the girls room. It was time to pack away all of Tenley's clothes 6 months and smaller. I've done this three times before but this time it was time to pack those bags and send them away. Until now, those clothes found there way to Rubbermaid bins. Put away until they would be used for a new little one. On this particular day, I found myself in a sea of clothes. Checking each tag, all smiles while I admired how cute and small the outfits were. Each outfit bringing back memories from all three of my girls. At times I honestly got giddy when I thought about the possibility of someone who needs these lightly used clothes more than me using them for their new baby. I picked up a teeny tiny light pink onesie that said "best little sister" and it just hit me, this was it and I lost it. Full blown ugly cry. I wasn't expecting it. Sure...I know I'm the girl who will always want another baby. I just love babies. I knew this was making me sad. But I also know that we are done. So done. I mean, we're done, right? Like really really done? Like we're never ever going to have that talk about just one more baby? That kind of done?

Well...you see, that kind of done breaks my heart. These past eight years have been the best eight years of my life. Being pregnant, going to doctors appointments, listening to those heartbeats, seeing those perfect profiles on ultrasound. It's what I've lived for the past eight years. Months and months of looking forward to the day I'd meet my precious newborn. Watching my belly grow and feeling those kicks. The aches and pains, the stretching and pulling. Then seeing them for the first time and feeling that feeling that cannot be put into words. Watching my husband fall in love with each and every one of our babies right before my eyes. All of it. Yes, even naming them.

It's been incredible. I'm so thankful that I not only got the experience to do this all but four times. I am so blessed. So so blessed. I'll never EVER take that for granted. I know many women who can't have babies. Many who had to go see fertility doctors and many who can't get a straight answer as to why. My heart breaks for those women. I pray for them that someday they will too be able to hold their precious babies, no matter how they come to them.

But recently I find myself in a weird spot. The finality of completing my family has left me with a feeling I've never had before. On one hand I am extremely grateful for everything I have and on the other I'm filled with sorrow I won't do it again. I'm looking forward to watching my babies grow, watching them mature and become who they are meant to be. A lot of people tell me it just keeps getting better and I know deep down they are right. It will only get better. I see that in all of my kids every single day.

Truthfully, I had a master plan. I thought I was going to power through having children. In my mind I'd have three. All within five years and be done. I'd get my pregnancies out of the way in my twenties and that was it. I was convinced I'd be okay with it, I'd be content. I mean why not? That was the plan all along. Then we got our bonus baby. She wasn't part of the plan but what an amazing gift. Throughout my pregnancy with her I was scared of what four kids would look like and how I would handle my two youngest only 16 months apart but felt so lucky. Tenley was sure to be the icing on the cake. Gods ultimate gift to our family. I knew without a shadow of a doubt I would for sure feel complete after she got here. Yet here I am...

I'm sad. I'm heartbroken even. I don't know what these feelings mean. Maybe its because I'm now in my thirties and as they say, the biological clock is ticking. I find myself wondering if I'll wake up one day and these feelings will go away. That maybe I'll find peace and never think of it again. The good news for me is Mike tells me all the time that we don't have to make that decision right now. (Don't ask him about this, he'll deny it to the grave) We are only 30 and 31 and who knows? Someday we may decide to have another one. Many many many years from now...because right now we cannot afford another baby. We can't even fathom giving our attention to one more child at this point. But we very well may decide another baby isn't in the cards for us either. Chances are we are done. Maybe that's why I feel so sad because as much as I have that feeling, I know its not a possibility anytime in the near future. Add to that the fact that a lot of people think we are insane and have no problem telling us to stop. But then, of course, there are those who tells us how amazing it is that we have a big family and how happy they are for us. It's like everything is hazy because I can't get a clear picture of what I really want. Nor could I decide today if I wanted to. 

I posted a facebook status about this the other day and a lot of people commented that they knew exactly how I was feeling. I'm sure those of you who didn't comment think I'm certifiable. ;-) A really good friend of mine (who I met through the blogging world) texted me. She has one daughter. Her and her husband are 100% content with being one and done. Oh, how I wish I had her certainty. She told me to not feel guilty for having these feelings while I had four kids already. She said: "You're thankful for the food in your fridge. Doesn't mean you won't want to get more." Sounds silly but I loved that analogy and it made me feel a little better for potentially seeming selfish in my sadness for not having another baby. I just really thought having a fourth would make these feelings go away and here they sit. I know someday we need to move on. Someday I have to let this go but today, I just can't.

Chances are these feelings are here to stay. Chances are I'm always going to be sad about it. Chances are the Sasses are complete. And chances are majority of people will never understand how I'm feeling. But that's okay. This is me, this is how I'm feeling today and this is my place to write it all down.



Have you ever felt this way? Will this feeling pass? What does this mean? 
Leave me a comment and let me know I'm not alone!