This blog is almost like my time capsule....I want to look back and remember it all. The good times and even the hard times. I believe, sometimes you need that to keep your grounded. So this post is very long and very honest. I'm also having major cabin fever. Mother nature is not being kind to us these days. Our snow blower broke so I just spent over an hour outside shoveling our long driveway and clearing off the car so Mike could help move my sister back with my mom. (We are going to miss Auntie so much!!) It was also -18 with the windchill. I'm exhausted and FREEZING!! But Kensington is napping and Kamryn and Logan are playing quietly so I found a little time to write.

2014-2015 has been crazy. Mike started a new job. A change we had been anticipating for awhile. We knew it would be hard financially so we prepared ourselves as best we could. We also knew the financial struggle was only going to be temporary and in the end the change would be worth it. "The end" being at least 5 years from now when he finishes his apprenticeship. When we got pregnant with Kensington we knew he would be changing jobs and his pay would be cut by a lot but also knew we didn't want our kids to be too far apart in age. Adding another baby into our family was a decision we struggled with. But we left it up to God and within a few months I was pregnant. We knew this was going to add some stress but the best part about this career change, Mike was going to have much better hours! As far as we knew Mike would be working 6-2 or 7-3 and that meant much more time as a family! I was all for that! Mike had been working 1-9pm for 7 years....I was more than ready to have him home to help with dinner, bath and bedtime. He also had been working Saturdays for the past 7 years and I was ready for that to be over too. We were both so excited! He left Verizon with a smile on his face and we couldn't wait for him to be in a better job with much better hours. Less pay, for now, but he'd have much more time to spend with us!! We couldn't wait! 

Well, imagine my surprise when Mike got his job assignment and they told him he would be working 3-11pm. I think I almost cried. I was beyond pissed. Now he leaves at 1pm and doesn't get home until well after midnight! At Verizon he left at 12:30 and was home by 10, the latest! We always had a little family time in the morning, time to run some errands and I always had alone time with Mike when he got home from work. Now that Mike gets home so late I'm usually asleep. It takes him a few hours to wind down after a busy day so he doesn't get to sleep until really late and therefore he sleeps in. I get anywhere between 2-3 hours a day with Mike in the morning, with our kids interrupting us approximately 6,750 times. But 3 days a week I am driving Kamryn to and from school and on Mondays we don't see Mike at all. He's gone from 4:30am until midnight for both school and work. On top of that, to make up for the lack of pay, he's being doing a lot of side work so he's gone most weekends too. 

I miss my husband. I miss our old life. I miss being able to see him every night before I go to sleep. I miss him getting up earlier in the morning and spending time with me and the kids. I miss just being a real family and spending that time together. Most days it's hard and unfortunately very very lonely. 

In the midst of this huge change, that turned out to be a lot harder than we initially anticipated, we had Kensington. Let's be honest, I was psychotic when I was pregnant and even worse after she was born. That did not help the stress of the situation, AT ALL. Now, anyone that has had a baby knows a pregnancy and a newborn baby takes a lot out of you. You are hormonal, sleep deprived and super emotional. Not good! I was a mess in the weeks following Kensie's birth. I felt great physically...people told me I looked great...but inside I was all out of sorts. I was such a mess that I changed my daughters name. (I know you're probably done hearing about this, I apologize and promise this is the last time I'll mention it) Kensie is over 3 months old and I'd like to think I'm back to normal. Whatever normal is. I'd like to think my brain now functions like a normal persons and I'd like to think my emotions are back in check. To put it blankly...I shouldn't of changed her name. But that's been and done and there's absolutely no going back. I tell Mike I now look back on it as a momentary lapse of judgement. Now she's forever Kensington. I do love her name so it could be a lot worse, I guess. We are done having babies, life has given me a swift dose of reality and I now know I'm done, but IF we were to ever get a surprise and it's a girl, she's going to be Eliot. That's it! That's all! {And quite frankly, I don't give a shit what anyone thinks about it!!}

Moving on....

Needless to say it's been an emotional roller coaster this past year. I've hit the point where everything seems to be hitting me at once. It'll get better, that I know. I'm sure someday I'm going to look back on these days and wonder what the hell we were thinking and how we did it. Maybe we'll even laugh. Oh, but my sweet Kensington...I wouldn't take back having her at this time for anything in the world! She is such a joy and that sweet baby keeps me going! Along with her brother and sister of course! I have a lot to be thankful for and I try to remind myself of that everyday. It's not always easy, I'll be honest, but I try. I hold a lot in. Actually, I pretty much hold it all in, even to those I'm closest to. It's hard when you don't have anyone you feel understands what you're going through. I complain just like anyone else but I never really let on to how much something is bothering me. I have become a pro at putting a smile on and not letting anyone know what's really going on and even here that's only a fraction of the crap going on in my life right now. It's not all that great right now but as they say, we can only go up from here.....

So, I just blurted it out in a blog post. This seems to be the only place lately that I allow myself to be venerable. Read it, take it for whats its worth, but either way it feels good to type it all out. For whatever reason it just makes me feel better. 

Happy Valentines Day

Love, Kamryn, Logan and Kensington 

Kensington Bree is 3 Months Old

If someone asked me to use one word to describe Kensington it would be HAPPY! This girl is always smiling, laughing, cooing and squealing. She is such a joy! Mike and I call her “Kensie Bright Eyes”. She has the biggest, brightest, bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. They are always as wide as can be as she looks around at everything going on around her. She’s definitely our most vocal baby at this age. She’s always making sure we know she’s there and girl is loud!! She’s got a lot to say and it’s so much fun! We just love our Kensie so much!

Kensington is now 10 lbs 11 oz.

Indecisive but impulsive…that’s me!

I’m an indecisive person but I’m impulsive. I know, a weird combination…but hear me out.

You all know how hard it was for me to pick a name for Kensington. So hard in fact I changed her name when she was just 2 weeks old. Picking a name, I was indecisive. But changing it was totally impulsive. Mike and I didn’t have that many conversations about it. All the sudden, in a hormone imbalanced meltdown I just knew Elliot wasn’t her name. I called my mom crying about it and then told Mike. Then I slowly started to tell family and friends. At first everyone reacted just the way I thought they would: “seriously?!?!”. Trust me, I knew I had taken the baby naming thing to a whole other level. It was silly and just plain old stupid! But, as I explained myself to people they started to have sympathy for me and understand why I was feeling the way I did. I’m sure in their heads they were all thinking, ‘she’s insane but just go with it. She just gave birth and she’s not going to listen to you anyways.’ Looking back now I really wish I just did what any “normal” person does. Picked a name and stuck with it. I totally worked myself up to the point where picking a name turned into a chore. It wasn’t fun anymore. I became obsessed with “the right name” instead of just choosing a name both Mike and I loved. Coming from someone who loves baby names this sucked. I was much too stressed over what’s supposed to be an exciting thing. People name babies every single day. I would tell myself daily ‘JUST PICK A NAME!!!’ But for whatever reason I couldn’t do it. I’d pick one and then my mind would race and I’d think hmmm…what if she’s Kensington? Elliot? Finley? and I’d change my mind. Then she was born, we choose the name Elliot, brought her home, introduced her to everyone as Elliot and I still had that feeling of what if. What if we named her Kensington? That feeling just would not go away no matter how many times I called her Elliot, El, or Elli. It just didn’t feel right and that gut feeling that I picked the wrong name just stuck. I couldn’t shake it. I hated feeling like that. Kensington was always Mike’s pick so he was totally okay with us changing it, so we did it. We changed her name. Changed the birth certificate and are now still in the process of changing over her social. Actually, this process could’ve been even more strenuous but we got some help to make it less painful. SO thankful for good family friends!! Thanks Paulette!! :) 

Now almost 3 months after she was born I don’t regret changing her name but in retrospect we probably could’ve just kept it. Honestly, we probably should’ve kept it. I made such a big deal out of it. I look back at my crazy pregnant/postpartum self and I want to smack some sense into her. Our baby is still this sweet perfect baby no matter what her name is. When she grows up, she will do what she’s meant to do whether she’s Elliot or Kensington. She’ll marry who she’s meant to marry and have the babies she’s meant to have. Her name won’t matter in any of that. Truthfully, I wish someone would’ve stopped me dead in my tracks and said that to me when I first brought her home and was stressing over if I picked the right name or not. Now, there’s no denying she looks like a Kensington and I don’t want anyone to think I’m going to change it back. Because, as crazy as I am, I’m not THAT crazy. I know, that means a lot coming from someone who 2 weeks postpartum thought her biggest problem was what she named her baby. ::sigh:: It’s just throughout this crazy time I’ve realized I was only feeling that way because I’m indecisive and impulsive. I was indecisive throughout my entire pregnancy and then I was impulsive in the delivery room when she was born and I didn’t put any thought into her name at a time when I probably should’ve. 

Instead, I found myself dwelling over what to name her, dwelling over the name I gave her and in turn dwelling over if we should change her name. I really wish I hadn’t gone through all of that, but I did and now it’s part of Kensington’s story. 

As they say, hindsight is 20/20. When something is weighing heavy on your heart, no matter how small it might actually be, as its going on it feels like this biggest problem in the world. Life is one  big learning experience. I’ve taken a lot away from my pregnancy with Kensington and naming her. 

So, to the girl who’s stressing about naming your baby or stressing that you gave your baby the wrong name, I say this: If you’re already feeling this way while pregnant, just days away from giving birth and the right name hasn’t come to you, chances are even 3 months after that baby is born that feeling won’t completely go away. You’re going to have that what if feeling for awhile.  Its easier said than done but no matter what you choose, just go with it. 9 times out of 10 your baby will grow into whatever name you pick. If you want to, change it. It’s really not that big of a deal. It definitely made me take a sigh of relief when we did it, but even now I know it truthfully wouldn’t of mattered either way. I look at Kensington and think “Yeahhh….you definitely could’ve been Elliot.” But she’s now Kensington. Kensington suits her, probably better than Elliot….but either would’ve worked. If I had it all to do all over again, I’d do a little better at hiding my crazy. That’s for sure! I would’ve sat with her in that delivery room when everyone left to let us be alone with our new baby and discussed with Mike her name. If we had taken that time, I probably could’ve avoided a lot of stress on my part and maybe avoided some tears and the process of a name change. Who knows? It’s easy to look back and say what you coulda shoulda woulda. 

Either way, she’s our Kensington….we love her so so much and love her name and we have zero regrets with this crazy process we had to go through to name her. I just wish I could be more confident in myself and my decisions.

{Also, gotta love my sweet husband. After I told him I wrote this he assured me we made the right decision in changing her name.}

Changes....

Life has been crazy lately. So short of hiring a therapist I’ve taken to writing down my thoughts here on the blog. I figure, it’s my space on the internet, I can write what I want. Right? Well, I’ve decided to start writing more frequently, whatever’s on my mind and posting it to the blog. Mike always tells me I need a hobby and I enjoy writing so why not use this space to do just that. I know I’m not the best writer but I write how I want and in a way that’s comfortable for me. Is it the right way? Probably not, but again, this is my space of the internet to do whatever I want with. If you want to read along, great. If not, feel free to skip over these posts and go to the ones about the kids and our family. This is just going to be my escape from mommy-hood. My little thing to do most mornings, when I can find the time, to write down whatever comes to me that day. I’m sure most posts will be about the kids and our family in some way, shape, or form but it’ll be from my heart and it’ll be an honest open look into how I’m feeling that day, week, month, etc. I hope it’s not too painful for you all….and I hope you can form some sort of enjoyment out of it!